the heart
it bleeds

practicing non-attachment

"me and you, mountain, that's how its gonna be."
It was somewhere up twelve thousand feet on the rocky part of the great Mount Kinabalu and I could not feel my feet. I kept my focus on holding the torch steady and staring at my feet. I focused on the halo of light surrounding them as they kept moving... forward, forward. At times I just closed my eyes...I was so tired. I could have fallen asleep right there. For moments I think i did. i forgot about getting to the peak... i forgot about looking ahead - just kept my gaze on my feet... onward, onward. slowly. i knew at times i moved only an inch or two but yet thats all i knew i had to do...just keep moving. forget about everything else. forget about all the others. forget about getting to the peak. its you and me, mountain.. you are my friend. all we have is now. all we need to get by is this moment.

perhaps its like a prayer, i thought then. because in my giving up, my letting go and my ploughing on, i felt a resonation with the experience of fasting in the month of Ramadhan. just like abstaining from my base instincts of hunger, letting go of it, disentangling myself from the urge to fill it, surrendering my emptiness to the One above and just be.... i felt the same now, letting go of my aches and my tiredness, my body's desire to crumble... and just be. just be, and just know God is. it is at the point when we give up control over giving ourselves contentment  that we enter a place of letting go... we find contentment inspite of ourselves.

so i thought, as i made one more step up. maybe i'll treat this the same... this will my worship. if i could find peace detaching from food, let me find peace fighting my fatigue and keep walking. just let go, surrender, and just be.

found on a serviette

"we count all the different colours
and countless shades in between
toasting them one by one
and find
the night too short

we'll have to continue tomorrow
and each day
and every day after."

he said -
let love be like waves of the ocean between you
with space, and rhythm, and sound, and passion, and gentleness
and abandon - you own each other in the heart; but you do not belong to each other
you each belong, separately and together, in the heart of the universe
the heart of love.

i'd like to
go deep into myself
find the parts of me that knows you
that knows how i feel for you
unscramble them
lay them in order,
and like a line, word for word, draw them out of myself
as a sentence that makes sense, a poem
with rhythm
with purpose.

i'd like to
reach deep into you,
find the parts of you that has known all women
test them for steel
test them for gold
test them for tears.
and see, where i am lodged, in all those -
a passing speck, or an eternal rose.

i don't know how many times can a person die and die again.
i guess they say the point is that we still live despite the worst circumstances, that we have strength more than we know. for now, i die. and for now, i mourn my death. i mourn the death of love, the death of the stars. the death of perseverence, of hope, the death of beauty.

for as much as your love taught me life, love now dies with me. and if only i could make you see.

on dancing

to dance is to keep in step with your partner, follow his lead, mirror your steps to his. there are the basic steps you keep in time, and there are the fancy swirls, where he leads you, lets you go, but you always come back, in step, in time, together. you are not leaning on him, however, you need your own posture, with feet firm to the ground, your core stable. only then can you, together, form the dynamic, fluid, structured tension, just the right balance, to bounce of each other's energy ...to flow, together. even if you misstep and lose count along the way. and even if your partner is out of time with the music, as you mirror him you need to be out of time with him as one. maybe the both of you are dancing to your own tune.

*
if, however, you are a stickler for a certain beat and you need a lead who can keep the same rhythm in time because that is how your heart beats, then find that partner and keep in close all night - it would not do to dance with any other.

I know, because I understand how it feels. I understand how it is to hear something unfamiliar, and immediately shrink away (sometimes even with an involuntary look of disgust) before even thinking about it. An immediate reaction, caused by some mental block in the head. It could be a different skin colour, someone seen as ‘dirty’. It could be someone we think is smelly, though if we ever think about it, we do not really know why we think so – we have not really gone close enough to smell. It could be the smell of incense, or the sound of prayer. I hear a prayer in Arabic, and I catch that feeling. That shock of distaste, of immediately wanting to shut it off, turn it away, change the channel. That feeling that it is foreign, not mine, a thorn in my flesh. It is there before I think about it, before I realise it. I catch it – it is the fear of the foreign that has been imprinted in me; years and years of being conditioned to stay away from ‘these people’, a people who are violent, dirty, lazy, thieves and corrupters. Stay away from their religion, a religion which is controlling, authoritative, misguided, unaccepting, ridiculous. A people who keep taking what is ours and who are trying to overpower us bit by bit. Malicious strangers we must protect our position from. I catch it – the disgust, the hatred. I banish it, and let the prayer continue to play. This is what it is, really - it is beautiful.  

*

Racism (or any other discrimination) is not caught outside, in others. (In an us vs ‘others’ framework, it is natural and easiest to accuse the other of the problem first). It must be caught, and stopped, within ourselves, constantly.

honestly, i'm tired.
i'm tired of the rhetoric,
tired of the pseudo-intellectual discussions, the fake conversations, the pretense of things 'right' and 'fair' hiding in the surface of the facades we build. tired of the 'fight' for 'justice', the calling of others bluffs, the paranoia behind every statement, every act, every law. tired of name-calling and judging. tired of painting our own misdirected conceptions on others. tired of mind-readers, pseudo-intellectuals, those who speak things that sound good but have no ground in reality. tired of politicians. tired of fighters with no background, no ground, a lack of knowledge. tired of shouting louder than we can whisper.

tired of how for all this, my voice is just another shout adding to the noise.

To my children

dear                 ,

remember
you will not always get what you want,
but you will always have what you need

life will sometimes be hard,
but you are stronger than you know
you will keep going,
and you will get very far
with baby steps sometimes, just like how you started at the very beginning of your journey
these baby steps will continue, for the rest of your life
its okay. keep moving
the journey is long
but in every step you will find something along the way that will be useful
something that will make you stronger, something that will keep you going

child,
start early with the things you must do
time, people, things, ... dreams
these are the things you are responsible to keep, and to keep well.
the more you let it slip, the harder it is to get it back where you want it
start early
take care of your things
keep your time well
know that people are around you as companions in your journey
choose wisely
let them help you
and help them when you can
some will walk with you for a long time
some you must let go
some you will be apart from for a while, and then you will come back together in time
it is okay
we are all on our own journeys
different ones,
but in time, our paths cross for whatever its worth.

hold on to love
it is never wrong
but like the butterfly you tried to catch in your hand,
you must be gentle with it
handle it well.

young one,
you are precious
no matter who you meet in your journey
no matter how they look like or how they seem
you are one of a kind.
there is no one quite like you.
sometimes you will feel that you have nothing to offer
but you,
just you,
are enough.
you are the secret gold in the treasure chest
the purest pearl in the vastest seas
the heart of hearts
i would not trade you for the world.
i would trade the world to have you.
you are precious, my child.
there is no one like you.

my child,
remember that the same love that brought you here, my shining star,
is the same love that is the seed in the heart of all the people around you
deep, deep in our hearts, we are all one.
don't ever forget that.
when you smile, smile at the center of love that you know binds you
don't lose sight of that
don't forget
nothing makes you different from them
there is no hatred you can give them that you cannot share for a part of your own self
there is no love you can withhold that you cannot but have for yourself.
in love or in hate, you are one
you are brothers and sisters.

little precious one,
it is okay to care
it is okay to look at the man on the street
who is sick, or has nowhere to sleep, or needs something from you
it is okay to want to give him anything you can offer
it is okay to ask why and to ask how
it is okay to feel
it does not make you weird, it does not make you stupid
do not let go of that
no matter what.

my child,
you may make mistakes
but you can do no wrong by me
remember,
i love you, you can lean on me
and we can lean on each other.
i will always be here for you. i will always want to get to know you better, day by day,
as you discover more and more about your self
as you become, day by day and moment by moment
the man, the woman you were always meant to be. :)

there is so much more to say
remember
to keep a pure heart
see the world through the eyes of your child self, always
but always keep learning the secrets of the universe,
the strings behind the surface
that will offer you wisdom
see the love and positive qualities in the heart of all man,
but learn to recognize the lost - lost words, lost intentions, lost actions.
wonder at the rain, the trees, the butterfly
but watch your step.

remember
to laugh
always
it is the anti-ageing balm for your soul.

:)

love,
your mother

we often forget
we may go anywhere in the world
with our own two feet.

A time to hold on,

and a time to let go.

you must forget
they said,
but how to forget that first
touch
that whisper that came from the edges of the universe
to weave between our fingers
as we lay intertwined.

you must forget,
she said.
but how to forget
when what i have never known is now known
what i have never felt, is now
as deep as my senses, as close as my heart.

you must forget,
he said.
but how to forget when this has become
how i know my name
how to forget when
you have worked your way into all my dreams
so that none of them would be complete without you

how to forget when
i see your eyes in the children i will one day have
they will have your hair
they will have our love
our purity of heart
the one that brought us together,
the one we will consummate
the one we will build our home upon.


and...
how to forget the pain
when this is how i feel
what has 'become' me
and yet, you choose, to build brick walls
of un-feeling
so that you no longer feel the same way about me
so that you can no longer see that dream
that i am still living within.

secrets

#1 - laughter keeps us young. the key to not growing old is knowing how to laugh at ourselves

#2 - children know everything we need to know. they hold the secrets of the universe.

#3 - when in doubt, first shut up.

#4 - we want to own things, we want things to belong to us. we own nothing. whatever is, is.

#5 - to seek truth is the first phase of truth.

#6 - when something happens and we find ourselves exasperatedly saying - i don't UNDERSTAND! -  you're right, you probably don't. Dig deeper. there is much more to learn.

#7 - in the act of seeking truth, your mind, heart, and being expands.

#8 - bitterness feeds bitterness. harping on how we have been wronged or hurt is like rehearsing negativity. Let it go. The past, whatever we desire, whatever we failed, however we have been wronged - none of these matter. it is what it is.

#9 - to fail to practice gratefulness, contentment, for what we have is the most basic way we fail to define reality fairly, in proportion.

i had forgotten to write

i had forgotten
the shapes of the words that swirl
the swirls of the world that shapes
at the back of my head
as shadows of the things i see but do not believe in
in the material world.

i had forgotten this is how i breathe
i see
i live
i had forgotten i can feel nothing without this breath
no word, no sight, no sound
no desires,
no
dreams

and that is why,
i have been
merely an outline
a shadow
a cloud
a dark breath
wisping in the in betweens.

2.

...

becoming solid
by layers
one, love
two, anger
three, truth
four, a deep substance that always lay deep within, waiting to be ignited.

now i implode in bursts
the sudden explosion of flowers blooming in a field
after the storm settles
i will no longer be like the wind
but like the tree with strong roots, reaching arms, trembling leaves
that grows both inward and onward
and is
indestructible
i will be like that tree
the best friend of my childhood days

1.

like a ghost i arrived
into this world
a shadow born of another shadow
ephemeral

slowly, i realise

that i am a force

immovable

separate from the things i do,

the uncertain things i feel

i am a force

steadfast

all on my own.

i am distinct

incomparable

unique

yet it is not me

just someone i am still getting to know everyday

someone i am

learning to love.

what i have learnt about love

I've learnt that it expands

it is the warmth that envelopes

not the orphaned gift detached

not the empty chill that goes into your bones

I've learnt that it doesn't always give us what we want

but it makes us strong

I've learnt that it does not need conditions

does not need reciprocations

because like a tree well tended

its roots are strong

it grows up tall

becomes the overarching force that protects you and me in its shade

I've learn that it is painful

but that it is worth it

like the blindness we must tear away

for a glimpse of heaven

when that light touches the deep

we are never the same again.

Quran 5

"O people of the Book! Exceed not in your religion the bounds (of what is proper), trespassing beyond the truth, nor follow the vain desires of people who went wrong in times gone by― who misled many, and strayed (themselves) from the even Way. ..."

"...they change the words from their (right) places and forget a good part of the Message that was sent them, nor wilt thou cease to find them,― barring a few-ever bent on (new) deceits: but forgive them, and overlook (their misdeeds): for Allah loveth those who are kind.

Our conversation on what constitutes racism and what causes it quickly came to this conclusion, in the form of a question:

'Much of our 'racism' is because we are defensive. We feel we cannot trust this country. When will we turn around just to see that the country has betrayed us?'

This took me aback. Trying to understand why, i asked - 'how will this country betray us?'

The policies, the institutions... we feel it does not take care of all of us the same. We feel like we do not all belong in the same way. We cannot trust it.

**

Who is Malaysia and is she vengeful?

Malaysia to me is made up of its people. The government is not the nation, nor its policies, nor its politicians - these are components in the administration of society, but it is not the nation in essence. That the government or politicians in power may not be reliable or people we can really trust; does not mean we cannot trust the nation. That there is corruption, that there are many rotten apples in government or political parties.... does not mean that Malaysia is a bad nation, does not mean that we need to leave it and search greener pastures.

We've got our nation on one hand; We've got 'the politicians' on the other. They may speak the loudest, but they don't speak for us.

**

Say your job and existence relies solely on how much support you receive.

We see it enough even in smaller scales, among smaller groups - in the office or in a society in which we are members. If one's stature and position relies on being able to get support, within a flawed, non-ideal situation - what's more - in a situation where the subjects from whom you need support seem more eager to hear how much more impressive your rhetoric is or the juicy gossips and scandals on your opponents, rather than the actual substance of your plans, intentions and actions..... What happens?

It quickly becomes a game of facades - brandishing your name as much as possible, tarnishing the other as much as possible to make your side look good. At all cost.

Now suppose they found that the best and quickest way to do so was to stoke fear and defenses - something they could get to by touching on something really personal and dear to us - like our race, our cultural identity, our religion.

Should we let this happen?

**

Steer clear of that trap!!

The real trap here - the real defenses we have to first keep - is not for our rights or our position. This is a fight for proper management, for right governance, and it will surely be self defeating if instead of coming together as one people to demand this, we start misplaced battles against one another.

First, we need to be careful that we do not succumb to fear. We need to be careful we are not made to react out of fear, out of feeling threatened, to react in a way that is damaging not just to others but to ourselves.

The real trap is the sly tactic that tries to pit us against each other. They may make us feel threatened - they may set up situations, and play it up, to ignite and stoke our fears, to put us on our defensive, to make us see ourselves as divided into 'us' and 'them'. And then they will swoop in and say they fight for 'us' ... That is when they are really trying to say - 'we are on your side, give us the power'.

But this land already belongs to all of us rightful Malaysians. We are on the same side; the ones on the other side are those who are willing to hurt the nation.

This is a trap. It is a trap with lines played by all who are in the game.

Do not fall into it.

**

The real Malaysia

Malaysia is made up of her people. I remember Abang Long, who once gave me a ride back on the bus he was driving, from Changlun to Taiping.

He is a man of rare quality. He spoke sincerely about his job, his family and the children he is trying to put through school, trying to raise into good hearted, educated human beings. His job is to drive the bus throughout the night, until the wee hours of the morning, and then he would go to the back of the bus where there was a small bunk for him to rest, he explained. After his break, his shift would start again, back and forth, back and forth through the highways.

His philosophy - safety first, but not just that - conduct a safe, smooth journey. His passengers would need the rest throughout the journey, he explained. They needed not only to be safe, but to have the peace of mind, to be able to rest on the way. Who knows, there might be a cikgu on his bus, they have students to teach the next day. They needed to get their rest.. and it was his job to make sure they had the peace of mind for that.

Has he ever gotten into an accident before? i ask him. Yes, he said - Once.

And there was a tinge of regret in his voice, a tinge of shame. It was dark, he couldnt really see the lorry in front. Nobody was hurt, there was a bit of damage on the bus. How long has he been doing this work? i asked him.

Twenty years. One minor accident in twenty years of driving. I thought it was remarkable and repeated it with awe. he did not say it with pride, however - in a matter of fact way, for him, that one incident was bad enough.

Good people and bad people come in all types, he said to me later. Its all in the heart.

i agreed with him and though i did not mention it, i thought it was interesting that just a while ago, his colleague and co-driver was saying the same thing to me -

There are those whose hearts are good - cina kah, india kah, melayu kah... whatever...these are our friends. And then there are those who are 'hati busuk'. And as for these, what for berkawan with them? Why would we want to be around these people?

When they dropped me off it was pretty late. They did not have to pick me up in the first place, i was a lost traveller, they did not have any seats available for me but set aside some space for me at the front. i needed the ride and would not have been able to get home as easily without these brothers.

Cross the road carefully, he said to me as i gathered my bags and prepared to disembark - Will you be okay? he asked. Yes - I smiled. Terima kasih, bang.

i will never forget that, but there are so many stories like it. from the guys who took a bus ride out of their town just to return some money they found belonging to an elderly lady; to the young man who went out of his way to give a ride home to someone whose car had broken down; to the taxi drivers who always seem concerned on my behalf and warn me to take care, be careful about unscrupulous people/other taxi drivers out there (7 out of 10, in my experience at least).

***

Yes, we can trust our country. Our country is made up of us. We need to safeguard the nation from those who would hurt it for their own gain.

Our priority is to safeguard Malaysia - honest, hardworking Malaysians like Abang Long and his gang. When we safeguard our nation, remember, we are safeguarding it for people like them. And when we speak of Malaysia, remember - we are speaking about these beautiful, honest ones.

Please, don’t tear my country apart

i will not listen to your lies and fear-mongering, and will defy you when you try to divide us.

i will shut my ears to your seeds of hatred, the one that you would plant, then on the sly, by and by, water and watch for it to grow; and so, when you have manipulated the situation, the people, the nation, to self destruct…

sweep in, call yourself ‘hero-leader’ (for a moment), win your ‘support’

Which you won by burning

the very foundations

that hold us together.

i will not stand by and watch while you burn a nation to make yourselves strong

i will pay no attention to your ploys

to turn me against my neighbour;

my brother, my sister, my friend

To break apart the weaves that have weaved us together

from the day we were born

we are one

we are the nation

you do not speak for us, – In fact

if you do not see that we are one – or worse

that you would shatter what is united, into many jagged pieces

you cannot call yourself

a child of this land

we have

God-given eyes to see

ears, a voice, reason

See - what is most important:

we are one

we may disagree

the fact does not change

we are one

let no one tell us otherwise

i had forgotten, for a moment, how to laugh

and how to breathe

the more you pushed me away

the tighter i gripped

till bleeding, my hands were sore

and i realized i could see nothing else

if only you knew

to refrain from breaking my spirit

was a hug, and for you to look me in the eye again

and say - this matters. we will be okay,

because this, love, matters.

there is no anger here, no resentment and no hatred

just a broken heart

its hard

its hard

but until you see, you don't see

you dont see whats going on

the ropes behind these songs

the backdrop, the stage hands, the lights and sounds

and you are the backdrop

and you are the stage hand

you are the light and

you are the sound

you don't see whats going on

but when you do

you sit in the storm

take it all in,

and say ok

you breathe a little deeper

you catch your own breaths

okay

you do not clam shut

you do not let loose

you stand calm

breathe a little deeper

okay

you've been in the storm so long

you do not speak about it

you do not grieve

you be.

love must tear me apart

it seems that layer by layer it must take me apart

melt the hardened

sift off the dirt as it surfaces

shakes off

layer by layer

until i am no more

until i no longer exist

Statement of purpose

This is my express purpose here on earth:

1. To lessen the load of the burdened

2. To uplift the emptiness of the suffering

3. To fulfill the hungry and thirsty, to cover the naked and cold

4. To bring respect and dignity to those in shame

5. To share in the part of truth and light

#3

there are times when you want to trap him up, wrap him tight, never let go, of course.

hold him close, so close to your heart. you will never need anyone else. or perhaps..

desire makes you want to say everything you should say, nod the ays and nay the nays. trade in your flesh for seven pounds of Life... life-loved.

your eyelashes gentle on each others nothing weight, nothing weighs, you just lie, barely apart, barely touching, but in between the two of you... the cosmic dance. stars linger. in that space time suspends. life, suspends. life=loved.

you breathe deep and straighten your back - because the line between embracing the loved and choking a prisoner is so slight. you fight against your basest instincts,

and let go.

that is all the love you know.

Love, and love. the difference of white on white, just like the difference between life and death.

it pains you, of course, everytime you think about it

everytime you have to pack up your stuff and leave, that dull ache burns in your heart

you feel it physically

this gnawing ache

as you re-live that hug,

that gentle kiss.

today you did a sort of half dance, your feet on his

melting into each other

and you know even now that it will be your lifetime memory.

you wonder if this ache is worth it

they would tell you you are stupid to take it this far

but if only they look closely, really closely in your face, they'd see

because you have seen love,

you have seen a glimpse of the machinery that runs the universe

and that is worth it.

It is a dance, of course.

If you are new at it, sometimes you misstep. Sometimes you fumble. Sometimes your grasp is too hard, sometimes you don’t know where to put your hands. Sometimes you are completely lost, do I lead? Do I follow? Do I look stupid now?

Sometimes you fall out of rhythm, and you shuffle about, desperately trying to get back in pace. An apologetic look – you scrutinize her face to see if she hates you now.

***

Love, if you envelope yourself with it, expands.

Its not something you give away, not really. Its something you weave and wrap around you, and the objects of your affection get wrapped up in its warmth.

Parched, I’ve been there before. I still am sometimes. That is the thirsty drink when I reach the water brook, that is the selfishness that absorbs, takes to feel whole. It is the thorn you sharpen on your sides to pain those around you. Daggers of words.

This is the place for a broken heart. To break open the shell of your dark hollow, to break it apart. And when you reach the point of unbearable pain, you find you have stretched. You find your capacity to accept has grown, your capacity to embrace, to want nothing more.

This is the love that expands. Seek nothing, do nothing, think nothing, try nothing. Do not take, do not manipulate, do not set the frames. Just be. Love was the heart of the universe, whole and unchangeable, long before any of these. It was the raw material from which all that is good in the world was formed. Its riches have sustained us for infinity. It is eternal – we merely bend to its light, become self-less, transparent, or we stand in its way.

where does my faith lie?

The answer, of course, lies not in the things that divide us. This is what I have found in six, seventh months of searching, so far. If I think about what we differ in opinion, I end up with a dead knot, I end up spiraling in circles, unraveling. I reach the end of a fray. Not just for either one of the faiths, but for all of it, at once.

Having then to take a step further to look again at the bigger picture; if I want to grow I cannot focus on these knots. I cannot focus on the tiny details that trip us up. I need to expand my view, see beyond the minute layers. I find that much of it is a question of linguistics and understanding – indeed, it could be true that we in fact see the same things, but our words get in the way. Our concepts connected to the words, puts limitations on what we can understand. We understand the terms a different way, and thus we get confused, we confuse each other, we do not reach the heart of the issue. We argue and divide ourselves based on linguistics, missed understandings.

The question in the heart of our religions is: who is God?

Is he the man which has found light and kindness, love for all livingkind regardless.
Is he the man who spoke a message which seemed directly from the mouth of God?
Is he the Son, is he the messenger?

Is he that which gives us wealth and health?
Is he that which divides us?


An answer can be found in these questions, but any answer we find there cannot be the answer we seek or really need.

Our answer must lie somewhere outside and beyond it. The God we follow is one who calls us to love, to feed the poor, to clothe the weary, to love, help, touch the untouchables. The God we follow does not discriminate love according to tribes or peoples, he saw all with the same eyes, loved all, the adulterers the prostitutes the Samaritans – enlightened, pure light as he was, he saw them as equals, he empathized, loved. He taught that we should love all as one, equal.

We shame him by discriminating and judging others, putting ourselves into different boxes. We shame him by making our religion about anything else – about wealth or numbers or power.

GOD IS LOVE.
Anything else is idolatry.

This is the answer I will arrive at – whatever name you call it, God’s work is love for all in Unity. These are the children and the workers of light. These are the saved – saved by their actions as workers of light, sons of God, who live the heavenlies even while on earth.

There is grace in allowing people space to be alone, to be their own.

There are dreams, worlds that can only be weaved by one, and if time or the elements keep them from it, a world remains incomplete. we must leave them space to do what they must. and if the elements get in their way, we must trust that they have the instincts to weave their way around it, in it, through it. we must trust that in their own heart's song is everything they need, a Source that interacts directly with the divine, a piece of God.

Leave this interaction be. Leave them to their dance. Leave the space for them to catch, sway with the rhythm and the melody. you cannot teach them how to dance; and if you do, you will force them to misstep. you will take away their song.

Do not impose yourself into their dancing space. for in doing so, you are only imposing your needs, your desires into others. it cannot be. it is ego, it is pride, it is lack of faith. Let them be. Be there when they want to share their experience with you. Because there is an allocated space for the both of you to share, and it is in that space that you need each other, where you will learn to fall in step with each other. This is the space which is meant for a dance for two.

that cosmic disruption

how often do you feel it? how often does a look, a touch, throw your world off balance, tipping on the fuzzy sides of a dream? how often does that incendiary gaze burst sparkles in the base of your spine, lights up your world. and then you are thrown into a dream, and then you know no matter what life throws in the way, you are still in a dream, and that cosmic source to which you return constantly for fresh air, can still make you smile through the tears, every time.

**

and when you know that you are two adults, capable of carrying this weight of the cosmic disruptions, able to bear it, to protect it, and to harness its truth, then you know you are set for life. you know that what the stars have aligned, you must bear together, care together, as fragile as it is and as fragile as the both of you must be... you have a duty to guard this spark breathed by God.

what else can love be?

it is the cosmic interference that disrupts the air around us

that thing that lets us know we knew each other the day we were born, the day the universe was created in His eyes. it came to us as it was always meant to.

**

i am not that capable adult yet, for as often as i like to think otherwise, i prove myself a child - with childish desires, selfish needs, fisted hands. i will get there eventually, but you must not wait - and that is as it is. but what light has found out, let it find true. as it has shone us into the seemingly impossible, it will show us a way through, shine through, through what is transparent and through what is impermeable, through the dark corners and through the unreal, exposing the truth from the lies, showing the way out. guided by light, this will be our dance. and let no one box it any other way. let no one keep out the light.

#2

he's drifting away from anything i can grasp,

while i with slippery hands fumble with something bound to break.

At what cost?

While we all have our prerogatives, convictions, ideals - at what cost will we defend or assert them?

Stop asking me to take a side

I don't know much about politics, but i do know by now that things don't happen in black and white.

Even when we were younger it was the action that we were taught was evil, not the whole being - breaking the glass = bad; telling a lie = bad; smoking = bad. Sure whoever was doing that was painted automatically as 'a bad person' at that time, but we all have fibbed, broken promises and littered enough by now to know that its not as simple as that. its not just black or white.

stop asking me to take a side, because it just doesn't work that way. we dont all occupy opposite extremes, we don't have to be either us or them. i don't have to be bipolar to have a stand.

families don't work that way, clans don't work that way, racial communities don't work that way, companies don't work that way, countries and nations don't work that way, religious communities don't work that way.

we can't take any of these groups as wholesale bad or wholesale good just because.

we don't make the lines of good and evil between people. no one group is complete evil and no one group is complete good. the line of good and evil doesn't happen between groups and communities, that line cuts within each of us as individuals.

small gods in a universe of one

#1

i know that even now

ur eyes behold others

settles on the pictures of

women with grace, and style, and soul

the drop of their hair across their shoulders

the sway of their hips in their dances.

i am missing u

as i will for generations

and in a dark sky where our stars would shine the brightest

where we paced the difference

in our own little dance

other stars, now dimly emerging

will start to fill in the spaces

i am already beginning to miss

your eyes, your smile, the tinge in your hair

the sound of your voice, the wrinkle at the corner of your eyes when we speak

that faraway look when you are thinking

that spark of connection when we meet in conversation

that cosmic interference

i am already beginning to miss you like

a memory of old

that is perpetual -

that moment in time in our youth;

that sepia toned photograph we find suddenly in our drawers

which caught us just at the right moment

that mirror of our soul

that moment when

every moment of our lives,

past, present, and future,

came alive.

9.46 p.m. 17 january 2012

just enough

All my life i have feared failing to reach my full potential; this is not the first time i'm writing about it, in fact i feel like i've thought, spoken with different friends at different times and especially wrote about it so many times that its in danger now of repeating without meaning, repeating like an overplayed, broken record i can no longer make any sense of.

Perhaps because i am a dreamer, it seems i have always seen my life in chunks - this is my life, this is my failure, this is my mistake, this is my future. And without realizing it, i've seen every success or every blot of my life as a lifetime's effect. Because i am careless of anything good and destructive about my errors, it sometimes feels like my life is perpetuating one big mess, a non-stop entropy.

Some mornings, like today, when the world is a particular shade of sunlight, i think - i have to stop this spiral. i have to learn to be happy again, like the jewels found of children. i think - nothing else means anything, but this life well-lived, happy, right. (and again, 'right'? all my life i've punished myself about being 'right', without knowing what it really meant...but then again this is my un-childlike self speaking).

Maybe this is my perpetual grief -- that i always suffer all the sorrows of my whole lifetime in one dark moment. Two months ago i was crying for the actual grief i knew would come today. Now i'm crying for the unbearable grief of the moment, but also everything else that could go wrong in the next five, ten years. the grief i IMAGINE i will feel about this for the next five, ten years. everything is finished, my future tomorrows are finished, i have already failed. Plus the grief of all my past misgivings, and the fear of the spiral, and the spiral, and the spiral.

No wonder i feel crippled in those moments, breathless - it is the end of the tunnel.

But every night there is doom,

and every morning there is new light.

And it is not the first time that i am thinking, too, - my, this is why God made days , divided time into light and dark. because he knew we would have to cope, and because he knew we need cycles of hope. he knew we would have to take one day at a time, one step in front of the other. and not to worry about tomorrow's sorrows for each day will have enough to worry on its own.

Every night there's doom, but everyday i still do the little, little things it takes to get through the day. It is enough. in a similar phase four years ago, i remember looking at my feet landing on the road as i walked in heaviness. at the heaviness of that moment, i could not look around me to see anything else. i stared at my feet, going one in front of the other, and nothing else existed. And i realised, this is enough.

This is enough for today.

stay on the track

the strait and the narrow

suffers no fools

dreamers

or lovers

- 1.37, jan 16

Its amazing how we see the world in lines. We divide people according to dotted lines... race, religion, preferences. We divide people according to definitions of 'same' and 'different'. We divide ourselves into poles..just to struggle the rest of our existences with one another, just to argue and fight and war.

I am guilty of the same, everyday. I must learn to embrace difference, to appreciate that i have been given opportunity to expand. This is what it means to love our neighbours - the Samaritan empathizing with someone outside his sphere, someone who, in society's view, would have no claim with him.

This is how Jesus empathized with the women, the widows, the prostitutes, the lepers, the beggars, the Greek, the Roman, the Samaritan. Seeing God's Heart in all hearts.

The challenge of self-righteousness is great. The fear that we cannot hold on to something that would differentiate us from others, from the tax collectors, the corrupt, the liars and the thieves, the proud and arrogant, the dirty and the desperate. The fear that we are actually the same.

This is why religion sometimes becomes a rock that hardens our hearts. It gives us the sense of a heightened ground from which to make our judgements. It can easily be warped to be the thing that justifies our divisions.

**

in this rough and tumbling turmoil

(that i know by heart)

i will seek the unmovable

truth

and while wretched my soul will weep through this,

God

whatever name we call him,

is constant.

He knows me by heart, and you

He has us in the palm of his hands

lest we forget

that deep in our heart we will find the answer

not in our deepest fears or insecurities or uncertainties

but in light

that is constant, whichever way we turn.

7.50 a.m., 12.1.2012, a new breath.

i'll meet you there

"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,

there is a field. I'll meet you there.

When the soul lies down in that grass,

the world is too full to talk about.

Ideas, language, even the phrase 'each other'

doesn't make any sense.' - Rumi

Let's try that again:

If we are not careful to guard our thoughts and actively pursue truth, there is danger that we may unwittingly develop a mindset of exclusivity, and approach all our issues as us vs them.

We may not realize it, and our intentions may be well. It may be the very thing that we say we fight for. but it may have been programming, developed through years, that needs to be confronted, unhinged.

We need to learn to see further - climb the hedge and look beyond it. Or else in the same quest for justice or godliness, we end up enforcing the very thing that hinders love. there should be no division between children of God. if God sees our hearts through His eyes, so much so we need to see through human eyes.

We must learn to see beyond. The day when buying bread can be racist, is the day we all need to check ourselves. Check our responses - do we have, hinged in our mind, that there is 'us' on one side and 'them' on the other?

It is not the government. it is not the issue of scholarships or rights or privileges or what others have done. Our own thoughts, the words that we say, are suspect, and we may not even know it.

let us not be caught blind.

Whither hope?

The day buying bread becomes racist.

Offensive animal parts in holy grounds and sacred spaces within

one man's opinion begins a chorus of voices, accusatory, it wasn't me's, my ideals have been robbed from under my feet, in a circus where

everything is juggled

nothing gold catches our view

anything that falls and crashes are ignored in a shatter of absurdity. we shout even louder.

The day we make god racist

is the day we must check ourselves.

it is not the government, it is not the schools, it is not politics, it is not the other. it is the day we must look deep within ourselves and catch where we start seeing our discriminations before a human heart. is when we no longer recognize it, but we are slowly allowing hatred breed.

but then i am young, and disappointed, and will hold on to innocence to my very last breath.

...now to move on to higher things

i know i have been given plenty. of talents, of thoughts, of heart. and these would be my core as i journey through life. this is the material i am made of, crafted by a Perfect God, and so. these are the materials that react and converse with events of my life, empty ruins, turmoil, or peace.

my confession: there are moments when i would have given everything up, for the comfort of silence. these moments are not uncommon - they have come to me almost regularly for the past... well, since i was ten. sometimes i think these are isolated incidents, rarities. sometimes i think i am past it, but then there i am again. sometimes i think it is my choices, my mistakes that bring me there. sometimes i think if i just changed, stop making mistakes, i would finally reach the mean line, the range of 'normal'. sometimes i think i am all to blame..and it is these times when the noise pushes me too far into the corner, i feel i must find a way out, must escape. i must implode.

i am not sure how much destruction it has caused my life, my relationships (or the distinct void of them) thus far. perhaps much.

the situations have changed. the players have changed. the times and seasons have changed. the feelings and responses remain. so perhaps it is the only elements that have remained the same, how we deal with it, that needs closer scrutiny. i guess i just have to let myself stop going there. destruction is the rule of darkness.

if our hearts, our souls, is how we reach God, i suppose it is easy for us to confuse it with our feelings, the type that is fleeting and flutters in a moment. i suppose it takes more, it takes a whole being, to listen more deeply, deeply into the whisper of God's voice in the heart's heart. my dream is to live a life, as true within as it is true outside. that my inner thoughts will align with my outer words. that what is true in my heart will come true in my conduct. that there will be no more schism between my self as it exists in the community of people, and my self as it is. that i will stop rushing home to be alone, to be myself. that i will enjoy being one with the company of others, as with myself. to live from the inside out, with God and self and man; not like a black hole, sucking everything in into a hidden empty darkness.