...now to move on to higher things

i know i have been given plenty. of talents, of thoughts, of heart. and these would be my core as i journey through life. this is the material i am made of, crafted by a Perfect God, and so. these are the materials that react and converse with events of my life, empty ruins, turmoil, or peace.

my confession: there are moments when i would have given everything up, for the comfort of silence. these moments are not uncommon - they have come to me almost regularly for the past... well, since i was ten. sometimes i think these are isolated incidents, rarities. sometimes i think i am past it, but then there i am again. sometimes i think it is my choices, my mistakes that bring me there. sometimes i think if i just changed, stop making mistakes, i would finally reach the mean line, the range of 'normal'. sometimes i think i am all to blame..and it is these times when the noise pushes me too far into the corner, i feel i must find a way out, must escape. i must implode.

i am not sure how much destruction it has caused my life, my relationships (or the distinct void of them) thus far. perhaps much.

the situations have changed. the players have changed. the times and seasons have changed. the feelings and responses remain. so perhaps it is the only elements that have remained the same, how we deal with it, that needs closer scrutiny. i guess i just have to let myself stop going there. destruction is the rule of darkness.

if our hearts, our souls, is how we reach God, i suppose it is easy for us to confuse it with our feelings, the type that is fleeting and flutters in a moment. i suppose it takes more, it takes a whole being, to listen more deeply, deeply into the whisper of God's voice in the heart's heart. my dream is to live a life, as true within as it is true outside. that my inner thoughts will align with my outer words. that what is true in my heart will come true in my conduct. that there will be no more schism between my self as it exists in the community of people, and my self as it is. that i will stop rushing home to be alone, to be myself. that i will enjoy being one with the company of others, as with myself. to live from the inside out, with God and self and man; not like a black hole, sucking everything in into a hidden empty darkness.