Like the back of her own hand, they say

But in passing she caught glance of a back of a hand she did not know
with unknown lines and contours,
she stared as if it were the back of hands of a stranger
and in that moment she knew which part of her body would age unrecognisably first.

You imagine a scenario in which at the crucial point, you gave in to the inner numb buzz that let's you know that deeply, nothing really matters, and finally letting go, tired of all the nonsense and tired of all the voices, tired of all selfishness and all farces, tired of all the selling out of love and of justice, tired of being alone, you

got lost in the vast nothingness of white snow, snuck into a creak between the layers, embraced the numbness.

This is love's eternal duty:
To stretch you, to beat you out, to mould you and shape you
To sift the superficial from the true; to distill purity from the plain


and so if you find yourself left on the dry tide of love after its job is done
and you find yourself truer, although worn and beaten
and you have fought the bitter bite of regret and envy and hatred - and won;
the light in you has grown stronger (for what is faith except the torch that guides us in our hearts)

then just know that love has done its eternal duty
and like all the people before you and all the people around you and all who will come after you,
you are part of the fabric of life and of humanity that has been tested and shaped by love

sometimes all it takes is a dream to unhinge you.
i wake up with your warmth on my skin. a look on your face. feelings in your eyes. a declaration of love. a comfort of knowing that it still matters to you. another few steps walked together.
then i wake, and i still do not have you.

We must be careful that in our journeying and coping, we don't end up taking on the narrative of the villain. Some thoughts that may foreshadow a resemblance to the villain's voice:

"Everyone does it. Evil is reality. If I act unjustly, I am just being a normal player in this world."
"All of these ________ people are the same."
"You/They made me do this. If I hurt you/them, it is your/their fault."
"For me to do well, you need to crumble."

I searched for the word to talk about how i've felt after the 'coming home' of the cycling trip. i feel... free. light. like i don't need anyone or anything really. like everything i need to live and to cope, i have within me, within my means.

The word came to me today, in a short bliss when i drove on the highway and the sunlight illuminated the paddy fields, the landscape around me and i thought for a moment that happiness is munching on muruku, those delicious crunchy things loaded in good spices, given by my student, made by the closest thing she had to a mother.

The word was - self-sufficient. That's how i feel. And self-sufficient means, yes, that i earn enough money to physically sustain myself and everything i physically need; but also, that i am emotionally sufficient for myself now, no longer to need emotional attachments or outside admiration to feel worthy. that i also do not need anyone's approval to feel alright. that everything i need to live, to cope, physically, emotionally, spiritually, i have within, and within my means.

That's alright. That's an alright way to be feeling after many years existing on a false sense of helplessness.

its because i have broken and have put myself together. Also, it is why i decided to keep teaching - because in that it pays me, and it gives me a sense of purpose, and in that the relationship with my students gives me a way to feel emotionally and spiritually both fulfilled and needed - it is one good decision that keeps me feeling self-sufficient. because that is what we should be doing anyway, more and more of the things that make us feel alive, feel like ourselves, that keeps building a force that grows and feeds back into itself - self sufficient.

Teacher Thoughts

1. Care. That is number one. It starts from the heart. If you care for them, if you learn their names, they will know it. They will fall into your circle of influence. This will show in your attitude towards them - in whether you smile at them, how you greet them.

2. Be consistent. Do not lower the expectations. Do not bend the rules. Do not 'pick your battles'. Make the rules clear from Day One. Hold it every.time. Each day's goal is 100% students 100% doing what you want, what they need to succeed in this class.
This consistency is what will change their behaviours; change their lives. Also apply it to yourself. Be consistent with routines and structure.

3. Make routines. Anything that will be repeated. Make it a routine.

4. Do not repeat things. Say it once, follow through.

5. Do not raise your voice or show emotion / frustration. Always tow the line of the management system. Rest in it doing its job.

6. Teaching English is building blocks. The basic brick is vocabulary - words. Build word banks. Then sentences. Then passages.

7. Make charts.

8. Create jobs from day one. Kids invest in being an active participant in classroom culture building.