that cosmic disruption

how often do you feel it? how often does a look, a touch, throw your world off balance, tipping on the fuzzy sides of a dream? how often does that incendiary gaze burst sparkles in the base of your spine, lights up your world. and then you are thrown into a dream, and then you know no matter what life throws in the way, you are still in a dream, and that cosmic source to which you return constantly for fresh air, can still make you smile through the tears, every time.

**

and when you know that you are two adults, capable of carrying this weight of the cosmic disruptions, able to bear it, to protect it, and to harness its truth, then you know you are set for life. you know that what the stars have aligned, you must bear together, care together, as fragile as it is and as fragile as the both of you must be... you have a duty to guard this spark breathed by God.

what else can love be?

it is the cosmic interference that disrupts the air around us

that thing that lets us know we knew each other the day we were born, the day the universe was created in His eyes. it came to us as it was always meant to.

**

i am not that capable adult yet, for as often as i like to think otherwise, i prove myself a child - with childish desires, selfish needs, fisted hands. i will get there eventually, but you must not wait - and that is as it is. but what light has found out, let it find true. as it has shone us into the seemingly impossible, it will show us a way through, shine through, through what is transparent and through what is impermeable, through the dark corners and through the unreal, exposing the truth from the lies, showing the way out. guided by light, this will be our dance. and let no one box it any other way. let no one keep out the light.

#2

he's drifting away from anything i can grasp,

while i with slippery hands fumble with something bound to break.

At what cost?

While we all have our prerogatives, convictions, ideals - at what cost will we defend or assert them?

Stop asking me to take a side

I don't know much about politics, but i do know by now that things don't happen in black and white.

Even when we were younger it was the action that we were taught was evil, not the whole being - breaking the glass = bad; telling a lie = bad; smoking = bad. Sure whoever was doing that was painted automatically as 'a bad person' at that time, but we all have fibbed, broken promises and littered enough by now to know that its not as simple as that. its not just black or white.

stop asking me to take a side, because it just doesn't work that way. we dont all occupy opposite extremes, we don't have to be either us or them. i don't have to be bipolar to have a stand.

families don't work that way, clans don't work that way, racial communities don't work that way, companies don't work that way, countries and nations don't work that way, religious communities don't work that way.

we can't take any of these groups as wholesale bad or wholesale good just because.

we don't make the lines of good and evil between people. no one group is complete evil and no one group is complete good. the line of good and evil doesn't happen between groups and communities, that line cuts within each of us as individuals.

small gods in a universe of one

#1

i know that even now

ur eyes behold others

settles on the pictures of

women with grace, and style, and soul

the drop of their hair across their shoulders

the sway of their hips in their dances.

i am missing u

as i will for generations

and in a dark sky where our stars would shine the brightest

where we paced the difference

in our own little dance

other stars, now dimly emerging

will start to fill in the spaces

i am already beginning to miss

your eyes, your smile, the tinge in your hair

the sound of your voice, the wrinkle at the corner of your eyes when we speak

that faraway look when you are thinking

that spark of connection when we meet in conversation

that cosmic interference

i am already beginning to miss you like

a memory of old

that is perpetual -

that moment in time in our youth;

that sepia toned photograph we find suddenly in our drawers

which caught us just at the right moment

that mirror of our soul

that moment when

every moment of our lives,

past, present, and future,

came alive.

9.46 p.m. 17 january 2012

just enough

All my life i have feared failing to reach my full potential; this is not the first time i'm writing about it, in fact i feel like i've thought, spoken with different friends at different times and especially wrote about it so many times that its in danger now of repeating without meaning, repeating like an overplayed, broken record i can no longer make any sense of.

Perhaps because i am a dreamer, it seems i have always seen my life in chunks - this is my life, this is my failure, this is my mistake, this is my future. And without realizing it, i've seen every success or every blot of my life as a lifetime's effect. Because i am careless of anything good and destructive about my errors, it sometimes feels like my life is perpetuating one big mess, a non-stop entropy.

Some mornings, like today, when the world is a particular shade of sunlight, i think - i have to stop this spiral. i have to learn to be happy again, like the jewels found of children. i think - nothing else means anything, but this life well-lived, happy, right. (and again, 'right'? all my life i've punished myself about being 'right', without knowing what it really meant...but then again this is my un-childlike self speaking).

Maybe this is my perpetual grief -- that i always suffer all the sorrows of my whole lifetime in one dark moment. Two months ago i was crying for the actual grief i knew would come today. Now i'm crying for the unbearable grief of the moment, but also everything else that could go wrong in the next five, ten years. the grief i IMAGINE i will feel about this for the next five, ten years. everything is finished, my future tomorrows are finished, i have already failed. Plus the grief of all my past misgivings, and the fear of the spiral, and the spiral, and the spiral.

No wonder i feel crippled in those moments, breathless - it is the end of the tunnel.

But every night there is doom,

and every morning there is new light.

And it is not the first time that i am thinking, too, - my, this is why God made days , divided time into light and dark. because he knew we would have to cope, and because he knew we need cycles of hope. he knew we would have to take one day at a time, one step in front of the other. and not to worry about tomorrow's sorrows for each day will have enough to worry on its own.

Every night there's doom, but everyday i still do the little, little things it takes to get through the day. It is enough. in a similar phase four years ago, i remember looking at my feet landing on the road as i walked in heaviness. at the heaviness of that moment, i could not look around me to see anything else. i stared at my feet, going one in front of the other, and nothing else existed. And i realised, this is enough.

This is enough for today.