i remained silent
and waited for the weight of my unspoken words to
throw me off the edge and
drown me in a sea of noise
of people

meanwhile inspiration stopped knocking
offended by my lack of discipline
to throw everything out of my hands and
pick up a pen, it
went in search
for someone else
who would see it for what it was
create something of it

and so i feel like i have failed it
as i have
failed myself
in my search of doing
in my search of meaning i have
traded in
a little of my soul
a little of my poetry

it was because i thought no one was listening
it was because i thought i could not reveal these thoughts to anyone
in truth i was afraid
having built a fortress of
defenses
around my secret thoughts
penetrable only by death
only death, perhaps, will split me open

i revelled in the ordinary
the profane
and sold the sacred

i revelled in temporary connections
with the giddiness of a child
and sold my solid truths

i second guessed everything about myself
and came out in pieces

the gold that stitched my seams
turning into plastic
in my rushing, frail hands

i had nothing left.