he said -
let love be like waves of the ocean between you
with space, and rhythm, and sound, and passion, and gentleness
and abandon - you own each other in the heart; but you do not belong to each other
you each belong, separately and together, in the heart of the universe
the heart of love.

i'd like to
go deep into myself
find the parts of me that knows you
that knows how i feel for you
unscramble them
lay them in order,
and like a line, word for word, draw them out of myself
as a sentence that makes sense, a poem
with rhythm
with purpose.

i'd like to
reach deep into you,
find the parts of you that has known all women
test them for steel
test them for gold
test them for tears.
and see, where i am lodged, in all those -
a passing speck, or an eternal rose.

i don't know how many times can a person die and die again.
i guess they say the point is that we still live despite the worst circumstances, that we have strength more than we know. for now, i die. and for now, i mourn my death. i mourn the death of love, the death of the stars. the death of perseverence, of hope, the death of beauty.

for as much as your love taught me life, love now dies with me. and if only i could make you see.

on dancing

to dance is to keep in step with your partner, follow his lead, mirror your steps to his. there are the basic steps you keep in time, and there are the fancy swirls, where he leads you, lets you go, but you always come back, in step, in time, together. you are not leaning on him, however, you need your own posture, with feet firm to the ground, your core stable. only then can you, together, form the dynamic, fluid, structured tension, just the right balance, to bounce of each other's energy ...to flow, together. even if you misstep and lose count along the way. and even if your partner is out of time with the music, as you mirror him you need to be out of time with him as one. maybe the both of you are dancing to your own tune.

*
if, however, you are a stickler for a certain beat and you need a lead who can keep the same rhythm in time because that is how your heart beats, then find that partner and keep in close all night - it would not do to dance with any other.

I know, because I understand how it feels. I understand how it is to hear something unfamiliar, and immediately shrink away (sometimes even with an involuntary look of disgust) before even thinking about it. An immediate reaction, caused by some mental block in the head. It could be a different skin colour, someone seen as ‘dirty’. It could be someone we think is smelly, though if we ever think about it, we do not really know why we think so – we have not really gone close enough to smell. It could be the smell of incense, or the sound of prayer. I hear a prayer in Arabic, and I catch that feeling. That shock of distaste, of immediately wanting to shut it off, turn it away, change the channel. That feeling that it is foreign, not mine, a thorn in my flesh. It is there before I think about it, before I realise it. I catch it – it is the fear of the foreign that has been imprinted in me; years and years of being conditioned to stay away from ‘these people’, a people who are violent, dirty, lazy, thieves and corrupters. Stay away from their religion, a religion which is controlling, authoritative, misguided, unaccepting, ridiculous. A people who keep taking what is ours and who are trying to overpower us bit by bit. Malicious strangers we must protect our position from. I catch it – the disgust, the hatred. I banish it, and let the prayer continue to play. This is what it is, really - it is beautiful.  

*

Racism (or any other discrimination) is not caught outside, in others. (In an us vs ‘others’ framework, it is natural and easiest to accuse the other of the problem first). It must be caught, and stopped, within ourselves, constantly.

honestly, i'm tired.
i'm tired of the rhetoric,
tired of the pseudo-intellectual discussions, the fake conversations, the pretense of things 'right' and 'fair' hiding in the surface of the facades we build. tired of the 'fight' for 'justice', the calling of others bluffs, the paranoia behind every statement, every act, every law. tired of name-calling and judging. tired of painting our own misdirected conceptions on others. tired of mind-readers, pseudo-intellectuals, those who speak things that sound good but have no ground in reality. tired of politicians. tired of fighters with no background, no ground, a lack of knowledge. tired of shouting louder than we can whisper.

tired of how for all this, my voice is just another shout adding to the noise.

To my children

dear                 ,

remember
you will not always get what you want,
but you will always have what you need

life will sometimes be hard,
but you are stronger than you know
you will keep going,
and you will get very far
with baby steps sometimes, just like how you started at the very beginning of your journey
these baby steps will continue, for the rest of your life
its okay. keep moving
the journey is long
but in every step you will find something along the way that will be useful
something that will make you stronger, something that will keep you going

child,
start early with the things you must do
time, people, things, ... dreams
these are the things you are responsible to keep, and to keep well.
the more you let it slip, the harder it is to get it back where you want it
start early
take care of your things
keep your time well
know that people are around you as companions in your journey
choose wisely
let them help you
and help them when you can
some will walk with you for a long time
some you must let go
some you will be apart from for a while, and then you will come back together in time
it is okay
we are all on our own journeys
different ones,
but in time, our paths cross for whatever its worth.

hold on to love
it is never wrong
but like the butterfly you tried to catch in your hand,
you must be gentle with it
handle it well.

young one,
you are precious
no matter who you meet in your journey
no matter how they look like or how they seem
you are one of a kind.
there is no one quite like you.
sometimes you will feel that you have nothing to offer
but you,
just you,
are enough.
you are the secret gold in the treasure chest
the purest pearl in the vastest seas
the heart of hearts
i would not trade you for the world.
i would trade the world to have you.
you are precious, my child.
there is no one like you.

my child,
remember that the same love that brought you here, my shining star,
is the same love that is the seed in the heart of all the people around you
deep, deep in our hearts, we are all one.
don't ever forget that.
when you smile, smile at the center of love that you know binds you
don't lose sight of that
don't forget
nothing makes you different from them
there is no hatred you can give them that you cannot share for a part of your own self
there is no love you can withhold that you cannot but have for yourself.
in love or in hate, you are one
you are brothers and sisters.

little precious one,
it is okay to care
it is okay to look at the man on the street
who is sick, or has nowhere to sleep, or needs something from you
it is okay to want to give him anything you can offer
it is okay to ask why and to ask how
it is okay to feel
it does not make you weird, it does not make you stupid
do not let go of that
no matter what.

my child,
you may make mistakes
but you can do no wrong by me
remember,
i love you, you can lean on me
and we can lean on each other.
i will always be here for you. i will always want to get to know you better, day by day,
as you discover more and more about your self
as you become, day by day and moment by moment
the man, the woman you were always meant to be. :)

there is so much more to say
remember
to keep a pure heart
see the world through the eyes of your child self, always
but always keep learning the secrets of the universe,
the strings behind the surface
that will offer you wisdom
see the love and positive qualities in the heart of all man,
but learn to recognize the lost - lost words, lost intentions, lost actions.
wonder at the rain, the trees, the butterfly
but watch your step.

remember
to laugh
always
it is the anti-ageing balm for your soul.

:)

love,
your mother