It feels odd sometimes just to watch the chapters of your life turn. I remember times when I was depressed, when I had lost hope and did not know a purpose for my life. I remember times when death felt so close, constantly on my mind. I'm past that now. I have grown a lot, learned a lot, discovered a lot.

Its another chapter now, and I'm going through a few things. And for the first time, i feel like age is happening to me. When i was young i used to observe that i never want to be bitter and angry when i got older. I guessed that it was something that happened with age, with losing the sense of wonder, with being jaded with the world. I told myself i would never be that. Now i see it happening. Its a curious awareness, observing yourself gradually losing some innocence. Finding in yourself some bitterness that was never there before.

I used to regard everyone with wonder - i saw everyone as good. I used to naturally put being polite first. Now, most people annoy me. I find myself being more okay with being mean like never before. I used to have pure intentions, and wished good for everyone. Now, like a creeping demon i discover with shock a twinge of anger at other's happiness. How can this be? But so I find it. I wonder if its just a natural phase.. if its age, finally catching up on me.. i was pure like a child for a long time, not really getting how the people around me could be the way they sometimes can be, callous, bitter. Maybe they grew up faster. Now a divide is being cut out, and it is where my intentions are tested and i have to make a deliberate choice. how will i deliberately live?
On the other hand, I wonder if there is a root to this bitterness.. something i need to get to and resolve, within myself. Something that needs to be unhinged, made peace with. Maybe..