i shuddered when i heard
her speaking with a loud voice
and self-assured defiance
but who was i to say anything
as someone who has for years (prematurely)
made it a practice to beware of my own voice.

For two days i have been lying in bed; unaware of time, or what was happening to the world outside. i did not, could not step outside. i could not look at people, much less talk to them. i felt only like a crumbling piece, falling apart as i shuffled my feet, trying to gather them all together, hide them. i did not shower or eat. only one person cared or knew enough to penetrate through the thick sticky walls of my aloneness - i ruined her night.

This is the lowest i have been, i feel. but maybe not, because i used to be like this for weeks on end. it feels like rock bottom because, because now the responsibilities are greater. i have children to teach, who look to me, who i desire to help nurture, grow. i face 28 eyes staring at me, waiting. i am crumbling as i try to speak. i am falling apart, in front of 28 children. i cannot speak. i cannot address them. i want just to curl up in a ball and wait for it to pass.

i am afraid for what might happen when i have children of my own. will the same happen? will i get the same feeling of having more responsibility than i can bear, crumbling beneath the wait, as these poor innocent ones, stare, waiting for me to come back to my senses? i want so much to have mastered this, have this in control before that time. maybe now is a good time to train, and practice. i never want to fall apart like that again. i want to have too much to the point of breaking, but know exactly what to do to pick myself back up, put myself together, and trudge on, composed.

the heart
it bleeds

practicing non-attachment

"me and you, mountain, that's how its gonna be."
It was somewhere up twelve thousand feet on the rocky part of the great Mount Kinabalu and I could not feel my feet. I kept my focus on holding the torch steady and staring at my feet. I focused on the halo of light surrounding them as they kept moving... forward, forward. At times I just closed my eyes...I was so tired. I could have fallen asleep right there. For moments I think i did. i forgot about getting to the peak... i forgot about looking ahead - just kept my gaze on my feet... onward, onward. slowly. i knew at times i moved only an inch or two but yet thats all i knew i had to do...just keep moving. forget about everything else. forget about all the others. forget about getting to the peak. its you and me, mountain.. you are my friend. all we have is now. all we need to get by is this moment.

perhaps its like a prayer, i thought then. because in my giving up, my letting go and my ploughing on, i felt a resonation with the experience of fasting in the month of Ramadhan. just like abstaining from my base instincts of hunger, letting go of it, disentangling myself from the urge to fill it, surrendering my emptiness to the One above and just be.... i felt the same now, letting go of my aches and my tiredness, my body's desire to crumble... and just be. just be, and just know God is. it is at the point when we give up control over giving ourselves contentment  that we enter a place of letting go... we find contentment inspite of ourselves.

so i thought, as i made one more step up. maybe i'll treat this the same... this will my worship. if i could find peace detaching from food, let me find peace fighting my fatigue and keep walking. just let go, surrender, and just be.

found on a serviette

"we count all the different colours
and countless shades in between
toasting them one by one
and find
the night too short

we'll have to continue tomorrow
and each day
and every day after."

he said -
let love be like waves of the ocean between you
with space, and rhythm, and sound, and passion, and gentleness
and abandon - you own each other in the heart; but you do not belong to each other
you each belong, separately and together, in the heart of the universe
the heart of love.

i'd like to
go deep into myself
find the parts of me that knows you
that knows how i feel for you
unscramble them
lay them in order,
and like a line, word for word, draw them out of myself
as a sentence that makes sense, a poem
with rhythm
with purpose.

i'd like to
reach deep into you,
find the parts of you that has known all women
test them for steel
test them for gold
test them for tears.
and see, where i am lodged, in all those -
a passing speck, or an eternal rose.