And then at 10.40 in the morning, when all the drinks were drunk and all the pills were spun, i found myself plotting my own death.

What are the things that are required?

A clean slate - so those responsible for you do not have to deal with a lot of rubbish, so that your secrets written down in darker moments remain unreachable. You would need to clean up. Clear debts. Throw out what needs to be thrown. Give away what needs to be given away. Assign what should be assigned. So that when they need to sort out your non-existence, it is smooth, seamless. Do not burden them more than you need to.

You need to have spoken. So it will not do to leave permanently, silent or unknown in your thoughts. I would need to write it down - write my thoughts, write everything i have arrived to for all my 28 years of living, write my inner intentions for the people around me. Then write a word of comfort, and of love that i feel of them, so they know; so the final word is spoken.

And write a message to the world - in general. because it is the world in general that has screwed you over. in its innate undertones of evil, of nonsense, of shiny pieces that do not fit, can never fit.

The world is a lonely place for those who seek. Its a lonely place for the pure at heart. Its a lonely place for the lowly.

i worry about coming to the place where drinks aren't enough, smoke ain't enough, music or people aren't enough...even meaningful service isn't enough, when travelling and being in a foreign land isn't enough. when there's nothing, when everything meets with a dull thud inside. then its stark, then you take the only logical next step.