Sometimes when perspective is skewed I can feel a bit depressed, hopeless.
But there are also moments when I feel thankful for everything I have. At CNY when people talk about prosperity, it's a good time to think of how prosperous I really am, in so many ways. I'm thankful for my family, for my kids, for having found something to do that gives me purpose. I'm thankful for friends in this journey. I'm thankful for what I have and who I am, and how far I've come.
Thursday, January 30, 2014
A few things have changed since I've started teaching:
1. All kids are now my kids. If I'm trying to watch out for a wandering child or gently guiding a random child to the right direction, it's because I feel somewhat responsible for them. If I see a bunch of teenagers loitering outside the local KFC, I think these are just like my students - I push aside the urge to go and give them a stern warning and ask them to go study.
2. I see people differently. When I saw some detainees at the police station, I thought. ..what if some of my kids turn out like this, and pray that none of them do. When my car was broken into (along with two of my other friends' ) I thought ... I guess this is why I teach for Malaysia too. And I hoped that if one day it was any of my kids who ended up in these gangs who did these things, when they realise it's my car they'll say 'This is teacher's. She was kind to us.' And stop, and maybe leave a note which said 'Sorry teacher'.
3. I have a tendency to scold people who are acting like kids. It comes from being on my toes all day keeping kids to their best expected behaviour.
4. I'm a lot more organised now. Because, all that teaching and talking to kids about being the best they can be and not forgetting their homework. Also as a teacher being organised is a matter of survival.
5. I now envy different things. I now envy people who've done really well with their students, or who have great classroom management or see moments in their students of things clicking in the right way. I envy these and would like so much to see these happen - for my kids, but also for myself. This may or may not be good, but i guess it's better than envying how good others look or how much fun they're having.
1. All kids are now my kids. If I'm trying to watch out for a wandering child or gently guiding a random child to the right direction, it's because I feel somewhat responsible for them. If I see a bunch of teenagers loitering outside the local KFC, I think these are just like my students - I push aside the urge to go and give them a stern warning and ask them to go study.
2. I see people differently. When I saw some detainees at the police station, I thought. ..what if some of my kids turn out like this, and pray that none of them do. When my car was broken into (along with two of my other friends' ) I thought ... I guess this is why I teach for Malaysia too. And I hoped that if one day it was any of my kids who ended up in these gangs who did these things, when they realise it's my car they'll say 'This is teacher's. She was kind to us.' And stop, and maybe leave a note which said 'Sorry teacher'.
3. I have a tendency to scold people who are acting like kids. It comes from being on my toes all day keeping kids to their best expected behaviour.
4. I'm a lot more organised now. Because, all that teaching and talking to kids about being the best they can be and not forgetting their homework. Also as a teacher being organised is a matter of survival.
5. I now envy different things. I now envy people who've done really well with their students, or who have great classroom management or see moments in their students of things clicking in the right way. I envy these and would like so much to see these happen - for my kids, but also for myself. This may or may not be good, but i guess it's better than envying how good others look or how much fun they're having.
Monday, January 20, 2014
It feels odd sometimes just to watch the chapters of your life turn. I remember times when I was depressed, when I had lost hope and did not know a purpose for my life. I remember times when death felt so close, constantly on my mind. I'm past that now. I have grown a lot, learned a lot, discovered a lot.
Its another chapter now, and I'm going through a few things. And for the first time, i feel like age is happening to me. When i was young i used to observe that i never want to be bitter and angry when i got older. I guessed that it was something that happened with age, with losing the sense of wonder, with being jaded with the world. I told myself i would never be that. Now i see it happening. Its a curious awareness, observing yourself gradually losing some innocence. Finding in yourself some bitterness that was never there before.
I used to regard everyone with wonder - i saw everyone as good. I used to naturally put being polite first. Now, most people annoy me. I find myself being more okay with being mean like never before. I used to have pure intentions, and wished good for everyone. Now, like a creeping demon i discover with shock a twinge of anger at other's happiness. How can this be? But so I find it. I wonder if its just a natural phase.. if its age, finally catching up on me.. i was pure like a child for a long time, not really getting how the people around me could be the way they sometimes can be, callous, bitter. Maybe they grew up faster. Now a divide is being cut out, and it is where my intentions are tested and i have to make a deliberate choice. how will i deliberately live?
On the other hand, I wonder if there is a root to this bitterness.. something i need to get to and resolve, within myself. Something that needs to be unhinged, made peace with. Maybe..
Its another chapter now, and I'm going through a few things. And for the first time, i feel like age is happening to me. When i was young i used to observe that i never want to be bitter and angry when i got older. I guessed that it was something that happened with age, with losing the sense of wonder, with being jaded with the world. I told myself i would never be that. Now i see it happening. Its a curious awareness, observing yourself gradually losing some innocence. Finding in yourself some bitterness that was never there before.
I used to regard everyone with wonder - i saw everyone as good. I used to naturally put being polite first. Now, most people annoy me. I find myself being more okay with being mean like never before. I used to have pure intentions, and wished good for everyone. Now, like a creeping demon i discover with shock a twinge of anger at other's happiness. How can this be? But so I find it. I wonder if its just a natural phase.. if its age, finally catching up on me.. i was pure like a child for a long time, not really getting how the people around me could be the way they sometimes can be, callous, bitter. Maybe they grew up faster. Now a divide is being cut out, and it is where my intentions are tested and i have to make a deliberate choice. how will i deliberately live?
On the other hand, I wonder if there is a root to this bitterness.. something i need to get to and resolve, within myself. Something that needs to be unhinged, made peace with. Maybe..
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