i wouldn't want to be unhappy five years from now, knowing i chose dogma over real light and heart's work. i don't know if i can still be whole enough to reflect that light, or so broken... kept everything okay on the surface, for everyone else it looks okay, but in my own life, i knew i turned away honesty towards my feelings, i turned away love, for the sake of order, artificial peace. would i still be able to become a bearer of light, a channel of love, then? or would i be bitter, broken, dysfunctional. but what would be worth it.