this must be my turmoil.

i might as well

come to terms with it already

tonight it will

shatter my spine

cause havoc in my mind

pain me with a wretched ache that will bring me

almost

to the point of unbearability

almost to where it is/i am

unrecognizable

i wouldn't want to be unhappy five years from now, knowing i chose dogma over real light and heart's work. i don't know if i can still be whole enough to reflect that light, or so broken... kept everything okay on the surface, for everyone else it looks okay, but in my own life, i knew i turned away honesty towards my feelings, i turned away love, for the sake of order, artificial peace. would i still be able to become a bearer of light, a channel of love, then? or would i be bitter, broken, dysfunctional. but what would be worth it.

heartspeaks / heartbleeds

The greatest bane to the undivided life is the division society makes, tries to ingrate, in our identities everyday.

While we aim for wholesomeness with all our different selves - me as a daughter, as a sister, as a colleague, as a writer, as a citizen, as a Malaysian, as a Chinese, as a woman, as one who seeks to live in worship of GOD - while i seek with all my heart to integrate all these into one whole being of glory, as God has intended me, as, i believe, will finally bring me true joy ...
on the outer layer the very community that God intended men to live and love within, becomes the bane that enforces division.

my heart's voice speaks firmly - i do not see people according to empty outlines of race, religion, sexuality. i will refuse to, even if it means fighting some seed in me that has been accustomed to differentiating people based on these reductions. it is this innocence, this naivety and this idealism that would make me see straight to the heart of people - that would lead me to love a being as he/she is... and to overlook, completely, all other questions of race or religion. i feel it is only natural. i cannot imagine a God who would be happy with anything less. but maybe i am naive and do not yet understand the deeper mysteries of his world.

because it is what my heart is made of, because this is how i was raised and because this is the God i grew up trusting; precisely because of these, it is only natural that my love only holds in its attention the being - yes, the being, undivided. if you must hold something responsible, know that it is not because something changed, something triggered, know that it is not by any external influence - i have always been this person. know that it is because this is the person i grew up becoming, one with a sincere heart.

for the state to enforce laws that divide us, that bring division to our choices to love, to love, to found a family based on love - that is wrong. i cannot help but say this because it is the bane in my existence, now everyday, a thorn in my neck. i am forced to see things not as it is in wholeness, but hanging on a hinge called religion. and all happiness, and all of love, seems to hang on this small hinge. that i have to change a core aspect of my culture, my perceived identity, to be with a person i love? that if i do not, i am not allowed to love? this law is a knife that decapitates...all who are in a similar position - and there are many.

that the only other option for us is to leave for good - this is our only freedom to choose, but the very state that dictates it is one that we love, that our hearts are also involved with, which has become our lives' work - that is heartbreaking.

271211, 1319 pm