For two days i have been lying in bed; unaware of time, or what was happening to the world outside. i did not, could not step outside. i could not look at people, much less talk to them. i felt only like a crumbling piece, falling apart as i shuffled my feet, trying to gather them all together, hide them. i did not shower or eat. only one person cared or knew enough to penetrate through the thick sticky walls of my aloneness - i ruined her night.

This is the lowest i have been, i feel. but maybe not, because i used to be like this for weeks on end. it feels like rock bottom because, because now the responsibilities are greater. i have children to teach, who look to me, who i desire to help nurture, grow. i face 28 eyes staring at me, waiting. i am crumbling as i try to speak. i am falling apart, in front of 28 children. i cannot speak. i cannot address them. i want just to curl up in a ball and wait for it to pass.

i am afraid for what might happen when i have children of my own. will the same happen? will i get the same feeling of having more responsibility than i can bear, crumbling beneath the wait, as these poor innocent ones, stare, waiting for me to come back to my senses? i want so much to have mastered this, have this in control before that time. maybe now is a good time to train, and practice. i never want to fall apart like that again. i want to have too much to the point of breaking, but know exactly what to do to pick myself back up, put myself together, and trudge on, composed.